“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Golf would be better with landmines.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.