@dadmann_walking

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

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@BoomBoomBetty

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

@SCbchbum

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

@AbleLikes

I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I’m gonna die alone. But with cookies!

@Marlebean

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

@BuckyIsotope

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

@weismanjake

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

@TheTweetOfGod

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

@pilau

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby