as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

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The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.


I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.


I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I’m gonna die alone. But with cookies!


Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn


GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points


Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread


Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.


[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together


Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?


“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby