@realHamOnWry: As you grow older you'll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don't worry ... it's just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.
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@BucMarvin: If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I'd be like, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!"
@Carmel_Coleman: Had a girl say "I want you to treat me like a virgin" So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.
@DrCephalopod: [doctor's office] Me: My eye hurts. Doctor: Okay. But first let's have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
@tweetsbyrocket: boss: you're late again me: i saw a dog boss: that's what you said yesterday me: he lives in my house