sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Worth the read.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.