@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Confession: the entire time when I was forming the earth, I was using asteroids.

@ravenswng_

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

@tomwalkerisgood

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

@ch000ch

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

@NurseSeymour

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

@3sunzzz

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

@SteveKoehler22

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy