As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.

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Confession: the entire time when I was forming the earth, I was using asteroids.


Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?


As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds


my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting


Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?


Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no


Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.


[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy