@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.

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@melpraktis

When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.

@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

@clichedout

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

@zuza_real

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

@ObscureGent

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

@ciarasmith91

Jobs: You Need To Have Your BA
*got BA
Jobs: you need 5yrs experience
*5years later
Jobs: You need a MA
*Got MA
Jobs: we need some1 young

@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

@hythemafia

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

@s8n

If it’s 1 or 1000 sins you’re still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend