Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
You Might Also Like
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing