Husband: You cut your hair!
H: It looks good! I like it!
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
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If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid’s name will be just whisper “AND THE DARK LORD’S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED.” They love that.
Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
*looks up from phone*
“Kids!! we’re leaving the playground in 22 percent.”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.