@DothTheDoth

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

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@Gupton68

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

@jdforshort

“Hitting it hard as shit” and “tickling the hole” are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today

@internetluke

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

@Dash_of_Crazy

My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her.

It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.

@LeiaMarieG

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

@FeelingMervis

I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.