@DothTheDoth

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

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@gianni_bcn

If you think you are having a bad day just remenber the guy on the Titanic who falls off the ship and hits the propellor on the way down.

@BuckyIsotope

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

@shegotagronk

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

@roxyisrad

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

@E_lok44

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

@markydoodoo

Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.

@Gorilla_Turd

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

@offbeatoliv

When skiing it’s always good to keep a photo i.d. on you in case they need to identify the body.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.