As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
why isn’t he texting back
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Monica just destroyed the internet