I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
You Might Also Like
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell