@DothTheDoth

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

You Might Also Like

@catstronomical

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

@elle91

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

@EJT___

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

@_CherriAnn_

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

@xLiserx

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

@RickAaron

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

@Lisabug74

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

@pleatedjeans

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

@mindflakes

People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

@internetluke

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell