Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
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okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter
Her: so what kinda wine should I get
Me: haha white is always the best
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.
Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.