[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
kids play hide and seek like
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney