@chuuew

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

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@markydoodoo

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

@TommyWallace

[First date]
okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter

Her: so what kinda wine should I get

Me: haha white is always the best

@LoveNLunchmeat

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

@buhsbaby_baby

Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.

@kellysdf

Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”

@iamburtjarvis

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

@SortaBad

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

@TheAlexNevil

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

@AmishPornStar1

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.