@chicnlil1

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

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@_correctomundo

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

@fuckthem00n

her: i like a man with ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon

her: professional ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon, for money

@HonestToddler

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

@TheHyyyype

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

@goodbeanjokes

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

@Sassafrantz

Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…

Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.

Gynecologist: Um, your legs

@heatherlou_

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

@bugbucket

wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap