Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?