Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
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If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
her: i like a man with ambitions
me: i am going to kill the moon
her: professional ambitions
me: i am going to kill the moon, for money
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
– a casual ghost
Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…
Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.
Gynecologist: Um, your legs
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap