I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
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Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad