Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
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Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.