@MartaEffing

Ask her why she looks so tired. That’ll wake her up.

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@TheRohiniReddy

Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation

@iGreenMonk

Wouldn’t it be cool if Zombies & Vampires become human if we bite them first?

Somebody needs to test that one.

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

@TheRobCee

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

@thenatewolf

God: why don’t we text anymore?

Me: you know why

God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works

Me: k

@XnotafunnyladyX

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

@Sarrah_Sloan

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

@JaymayAllDay

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

@ElgatoEsmio

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

@KentWGraham

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.