Ask her why she looks so tired. That’ll wake her up.

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Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation


Wouldn’t it be cool if Zombies & Vampires become human if we bite them first?

Somebody needs to test that one.


INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian



Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.


God: why don’t we text anymore?

Me: you know why

God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works

Me: k


Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target


-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult


You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.


Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.


I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.