me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
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Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
#Caturday
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!