[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
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If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.