Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
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I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic