Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
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I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
#milo
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer