@sucittaM

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

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@TweetsByTheTony

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

@joeldanger

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

@SergioValenCo

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.

@Cheeseboy22

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

@fro_vo

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

@thebeckyard

Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol

-cold medicine companies

@KatrinaGibson13

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.