Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol
-cold medicine companies
Twitter: something to read when people are talking to you.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.