Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
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Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.