Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Duolingo getting serious.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.