@truegritrumble

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

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@lmegordon

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

@sammyrhodes

1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

@leakypod

army general: we were defeated

me: [confused, looking down] what…whats inside ur boots then

@SnizzleFrizzle

Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

@nigelgodwin

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

@graceful_asfuck

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

@OBiiieeee

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time