Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions