ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop