@seamussaid

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

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@coolgrandma98

when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming

@shanethevein

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

@SkippyMcGizzard

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

@SatansTongue

*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
“How coach”
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*

@SocialustGal13

Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?

@MarshallMcFar11

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.