ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.