Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago

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Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think


I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire


Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?


Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.


I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.


My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole


“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”


*playing poker*
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*I smile*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*
“Full House.”


When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.