Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
<—- homeless romantic
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will