@JoParkerBear

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

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@charliedelta7

In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.

@mommajessiec

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

@Daveastated

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

@Hormonella

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

@thenatewolf

Me: I know you from somewhere

Jesus: I get that a lot

Me: no I’m sure

Jesus: just one of those faces

Me: [holding arms out] go like this

@slaughthie

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

@anylaurie16

Changed ex’s name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn’t show up when he texts.

@Danny_McH2O

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

@MUMSIEesq

My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.