@JoParkerBear

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

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@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

@KngHnryVIII

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

@SamGrittner

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

@Breadery

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

@NapoleonNappy1

Ok, I am now following you. Where are we going? I vote for Arby’s. I love the horsey sauce. I shall bring my own horse.

@BraandoCommando

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

@notzuunk

my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him

@tracietom

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

@rickkondell

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

@CanadianBeave13

LADIES!

LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes

1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.

2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.

3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.