Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
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All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions