Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
What if the weather talks about us?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.