Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.