@_NTFG_

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

You Might Also Like

@Crunk_Jews

[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]

“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”

@thesulk

Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

@Caissie

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

@kwirkyKerri

Sex on the beach means sand everywhere. You just do not want extreme exfoliation in some areas.

@TweetPotato314

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

@PerfectPending

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

@LetsQuoteComedy

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

@solomongeorgio

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

@Hadzilla

HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS

@Lubchansky

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM