[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]
“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
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Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Sex on the beach means sand everywhere. You just do not want extreme exfoliation in some areas.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM