Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My typo game is string.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.