Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
You Might Also Like
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Oh thanks BBC.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
choose your fighter
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”