asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine