asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Oh, I bet you would be
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.