Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Soul mates theory
Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.
My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.