asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.


Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No


Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.


When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?


You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.


Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette


Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*


You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.


My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.