Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
his wife is probably gonna see that
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.