WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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Advice from a gas station attendant in Tennessee to avoid Coronavirus: “take a shot of Wild Turkey 101 before bed. It kills everything.”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Say no to drugs. Say yes to the dress. Say anything to John Cusack. Say you say me to Lionel Richie. Say say say to Paul McCartney.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
devil: welcome to hell
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well