asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
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[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Guilty! 🤪
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.