Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
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Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”