Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

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I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick


Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.


If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body,
your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.


My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.


Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Wife: Be quiet.
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.


Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.


This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.


Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?


All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.