@OctopusCaveman

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

You Might Also Like

@hansabumsadaisy

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

@howe007

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

@SteveSuckington

If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body,
your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.

@TheMichaelRock

My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.

@8rustystaples

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

@joshandbeyond

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.