Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
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[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?