Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn’t let her kid eat cheese for dinner.

This cheese is delicious.

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kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…


I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.


Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]


Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.


Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.


The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.


[me on a ledge]
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*


Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*


The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.