kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn’t let her kid eat cheese for dinner.
This cheese is delicious.
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I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur