Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Well, this certainly took a turn
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*