asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
buys donuts instead
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday