Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all