Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
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I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”