So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“We will wed,” I threatened
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
my astrological sign is a french fry
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.