You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
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Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night