Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
an octopus is just a wet spider
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil