@archerenemy

Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…

It’s not important how I know that…

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@Parker_Simpson

this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@SurreySlum

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@JamieLinks

Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.

@jwoodham

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

@NewDadNotes

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

@MsTexas1967

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

@RdrJay47

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]