this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight
Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…
It’s not important how I know that…
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]