Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side