God: oh shit
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
*secret agent slaps me*
I’ll never give you answers
*he grabs my throat*
“WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA”
I’d rather die
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My ex wife claims I have “commitment issues” like I didn’t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
WINDEX CEO: listen, I can’t have you making puns anymore.
EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear–
CEO: you’re fired.
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.