Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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Just say no
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Me, in DM rooms…
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?