Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

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I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.


Wife has spotted me tweeting while she is talking to me.
This does not please her.
She is currently approaching me.
She is reaching for my


Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.


CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm


Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me


“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.


Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.


“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup


If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.