@TheAndrewNadeau

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

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@underchilde

I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.

@SuperJuanderer

Wife has spotted me tweeting while she is talking to me.
This does not please her.
She is currently approaching me.
She is reaching for my

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

@lmwortho

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

@osoplain

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

@shellyspivey

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

@Shingaboop

Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.

@ArfMeasures

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

@david8hughes

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.