Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
🤣
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
me and my fake scenarios
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“I’m helping” 😅
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.