Things I Suck At:
1. straws, ha ha jk lol
2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I’m really terrible at this
3. straws, haha same joke as before
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I really relate to your au naturale selfies because I too was born wearing seven pounds of mascara and an eyeshadow palette of urban grey.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
This meal prepping shit easy
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?
Me: how can I trust you anymore
Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.