@craigdtull

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

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@skwint1

lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am

@junejuly12

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

@MarfSalvador

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

@GeauxSaints79

In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.

@dog_feelings

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

@markedly

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

@ewfeez

*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?

@NoogsCorner

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”