@craigdtull

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

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@Jamie1947

Things I Suck At:
1. straws, ha ha jk lol
2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I’m really terrible at this
3. straws, haha same joke as before

@figgled

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

@3sunzzz

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I really relate to your au naturale selfies because I too was born wearing seven pounds of mascara and an eyeshadow palette of urban grey.

@daddydoubts

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

@kelly__le

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

@ericsshadow

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

@GawdOffalTweets

Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore

@wilw

Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.