Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

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I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*


[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.


My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.


Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”


If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.


*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00


I am pleased to report that the spider I felt on my neck that caused me to nearly drop the baby was, in fact, my shirt tag.


i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”


DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does