Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

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lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am


You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.


[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd


In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.


there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks


Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”


*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*


*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?


Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”