Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while