SON: Dad what is that?
ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
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I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
God: make alcohol really fun
Angel: haha ok
God: but it makes them stupid
Angel: i dont know if-
God: and if they have too much they die