@karanbirtinna

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

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@Home_Halfway

SON: Dad what is that?

ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose

@undeadmolly

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

@_Tempo11

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

@Paxochka

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

@batkaren

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

@BoogTweets

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

@tanialunreal

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

@samcorb

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

@RoosterMustache

God: make alcohol really fun

Angel: haha ok

God: but it makes them stupid

Angel: i dont know if-

God: and if they have too much they die