Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

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SON: Dad what is that?

ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose


I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.


My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.


Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.


I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here


[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today



Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.


still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time


God: make alcohol really fun

Angel: haha ok

God: but it makes them stupid

Angel: i dont know if-

God: and if they have too much they die